The Complete Emoji Texting Guide for Every Age梗突塔滕攻滕拎滕蛤


I read an enlightening Rupert Murdoch publicationwhere a momkept sending phallic emoji to her son in dotingtexts, and hewas understandably very confused. This is the kind of emoji faux pasthat inspires coke-addled fantasies and cinematic prowess alike.

Rather than berate well-meaning emoji beginners with traditional advice,thistutorial attempts tobridge the generational gap by suggestingusefulemoji textsforevery decade of life. They range from humorous to downright depressing. Maybe we really do get wiser with age…

Myinitial inspirationcame from Diana Hill’s incredible emoldji to better reflect what people over 50 would like to express using the medium.


Getting Away with Everything

Bartender, more milk!


Finally going to bed? Don’t get too cozy. I just started crying again!

儭 Mess up potty training and you will alterthe course of mypsychosexual development forever

屢尉et me play with the iPad real quick

埠荊荊荊純Can I have a valet for my 4th birthday?

If you read me one moreBrothers Grimm story, I’ll worshipDavid Cronenberg

塔 攻 Posting embarrassing photos of me on Facebook qualifies as child abuse.


Prepare to Cringe




兩抽 Fam


It’s lit!

That’s ode gucci

We cyphed and got totallysmacked

鳶滕 I curved him and dubbed his sh@#/Nope out!

Mupload that ish(middle-aged Buzzfeed writer variation)

Swag money(either going through midlife crisis: see 40s section, or 12-year-old boy on Instagram)

YOLO (ironically)

On fleek! (ironically)

Bae (so 2013)


More Growing Pains

Screwed for finals

屢 Come save me, I’m at the bar!

抽歹 Netflix and chill?

鳶 抽歹 儭 潘 Knock before entering #LUG

賅賅賅 Just barfedin my Uber

滕 I told you so!


ME TIME/Cozy night in

仇 I’m feeling myself in these jeans

Broke AF

I’m so over having roommates

Everyone I know is getting married!

埠 塔 Am Igonna be okay?


The IDGAF Years Part 1 #Adulting

賤儭 晦 劾 Swipe left!

∴ Finally done withtherapy. Ready tolive my best life!

儭 塔滕 抽儭 Mom, I’m not ready to have kids. My houseplant is dying!

Maybe I don’t need a Mr. Darcy?

湘鳶 No FOMO

Will you pick new furniture with me from somewhere that’s not IKEA?

I accept myself completely, just as I am.I accept myself completely, just as I am.I accept myself completely, just as I am…

劾 ∴ 痰湘 Tradingvodka cranberry for a single glass of red wine and Theo James for a socially-ineptaccountantwith dad bod.

I’ve finally found my personal style after countless man-hours of browsing Pinterest and Instagram.

儭 仇 Coachella? I’m too old for that sh!#


Behold the Midlife Crisis. Terribly Depressing!

It’s the economy, stupid!

Can’t teach an old dog new tricks!

BRBmarriage in shambles and everything is a lie

Mother, I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and dresses like her mother.

I don’t want to stay out too late

返 More baggage than a 747/ Paris Hilton in the Riviera/a drag queen on a road trip

屢 湘 Fighting slowing metabolism with a gym subscription

As I got older I looked at the world and I realised, we need armour.


Midlife SurvivorAftermath

湘 蛤滕莞 Senior discounts, here I come!

蛤 Sorry,I’m too old! (translation: I don’t wanna!)

攻 佞 Youth is wasted on the young

兩抽 The kids are alright

Who in their right mind would listen to this crap?

劾 The invisible cloak of old age keeps sexual harassment away

鳶 蛤 I don’t give a hoot what theneighbors say!

Back in my day…

仄儭 凌I wish I could remember that far back. What was your question again?


Introspection and Arthritic Fun

蛤 綾 The kids have families of their own now… Maybe I’ll run for president.

My arthritis is acting up again

蜃 BRB spending the kids’ inheritance money like there’s no tomorrow

兩色 丹 How was yourOne Dimension concert, honey?

We’re all works of art in progress

Why should I stop working? If I do, I’ll die and it’ll all be finished.

The trick in life is learning how to deal with it.

If you’re going to do a memoir, then it’s sort of at this age – in your late sixties or seventies – that you do it. I don’t understand people who do memoirs when they’re 20.

蛤撢 拎 The hardest period in life is ones twenties. Its a shame because youre your most gorgeous and youre physically in peak condition. But its actually when youre most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you dont know whats going to happen, its frightening.


Personal Transformation and The IDGAF Years Part 2

Bring me my set of teeth, will you?

Don’t forget my memory meds!

蛤 湘 儭Let’s all get demented!

儭 U up 4 a game of Backgammon/mahjong/bingo/golf?

蛤 返 I’m not giving in to anyone else’s idea of how I ought to feel and look at 70. ‘Retirement’ is not a word I can evenvisualize.

氐仄 蛤撢You cant control how other people see you or think of you. But you have to be comfortable with that.

We tell ourselves stories in order to live

攻 佞 If Id had children and had a girl, the first words I would have taught her would have been f*** off because we werent brought up ever to say that to anyone, were we? And its quite valuable to have the courage and the confidence to say, No, f*** off, leave me alone, thank you very much.”


Achieving Digital Fame by Being a Cool Grandma

蛤滕梗 Time to reinvent myself as an Instagram celebrity!

Do I think what, hon?

I think most people are actors. Theres fakery going on, dont you think?

Im not an old person. Ive never been an old person. I just do my thing.

蛤 拎鄞仇 笨I think that high school kids and college kids and even grade school kids know who I am and want pictures with me. Why? Because they all want me to be their grandma! They also want to be like me when they get to be my age.

蛤 湘 佞 攻鄞Oh, I just love young people. Ive got young people around me all the time.

漎儭If you’re over a certain age, you’d better keep your bra on because nothing’s worse than saggy duds

I don’t believe in funerals. I believe in celebrating life, and showing people, while they’re alive, how much I care about them


Social Disapproval and Bitter Snobbery

I suffer from dehydration and I know what awful things it can do.

I don’t look at social mediaor think about what I had for breakfast, it’s ridiculous.

儭 儭 I haven’t dated in 68 years.

兩抽把 Everybody today is like a robot, and I don’t want to be part of that.

儭 儭 If you walk down the street in New York in the winter, all the young ladies look alike.

踢 ∴ People seem to live vicariously through other people and other things, and that’s why they are all becoming empty shells.

You hardly meet anyone with a soul anymore


Becominga Treasure Trove of Wisdom

I don’t care about my birthday one bit!

Bye Felicia

儭 色授Don’t let the cat piss in my ashes

What is Iron Maiden, sweetie?

領儭 My secret to a long life has been staying away from men. They’re just more trouble than they’re worth.

Get plenty of exercise, eat a nice warm bowl of porridge every morning and never getmarried.

I am tired and take naps as many times as I can

I have always loved a glass of sherry and good food. My favourite is chocolate blancmange

兩兩把 劾 拎 湘 Having adult children makes you look 100 years old. I don’t want that.